Fallen to Grace (Celestial Downfall Book 1) Read online

  A lump formed in Azrael’s throat and she swallowed hard. “Was I asleep long?”

  Meretta laughed, a strangely derisive sound. “Two seasons.”

  Azrael blinked. “What?”

  “Fall passed, and then winter. The Queen said you could sleep forever, or if you did wake, you wouldn’t be yourself, but I refused to believe it. I couldn’t.” An old pain flushed Meretta’s face red and Azrael realized how long she’d been holding onto a fading hope, a hope that had turned into a stubborn lie she told herself every day. But then it passed and a more familiar joy refreshed her face. “She was wrong. You’re fine.” A contagious smile spread across her lips and Azrael couldn’t help but smile too.

  Azrael took a moment to let the magnitude of her words sink in. Half of the seasonal cycle I have been trapped in those hellish dreams. And not wake up as myself? What does that even mean?

  Meretta shook her head again. “You don’t know it, but you are the worst possible candidate for Queen.”

  “Hey!” Azrael frowned in disappointment. “The Divine chose me, didn’t they? Even if it was…” She didn’t dare mention that all this came about after making a deal with her demon. Of course, what could go wrong after that? “The Divine agreed to my initiation, didn’t they?” Azrael persisted. “Was there some mistake?”

  “Of course the Divine agreed, don’t be absurd. But it’s more the question of why they agreed, because…”

  Azrael waved her hands at the silence. “Because?”

  “You have the Mark.”

  Azrael’s heart dropped to the floor. Having the Mark meant she should have been possessed by the demon long ago. He hadn’t only fed on her as an infant. He’d left a piece of himself behind. It hadn’t dissolved; it hadn’t been expelled when the Queen took her in. No, it had become a tangible shard, a Mark on her soul.

  “Of course I have the Mark. It’s why hybrids are never chosen.”

  Azrael growled with frustration, then shot a worried glance at Meretta. “How did you find out that I have the Mark, exactly?” Her voice drifted into silence, almost not wishing for an answer.

  Meretta stared and opened her mouth as if to speak, but seemed to change her mind and shut it again. Azrael waited patiently, but Meretta stared at her blankly instead. It wasn’t like Meretta to be quiet, or to keep things from her. The hairs on the back of Azrael’s neck stood on their ends.

  “I think it’s best if I let Gabriel inform you of the details,” Meretta said. “I’m grateful they’ve allowed my presence at all. I don’t want to overstep my place.”

  Looking to the floor, Azrael conceded in spite of her rumbling fear and curiosity. She hugged her arms around her chest. Azrael knew she couldn’t feel it, but the connection with her demon was there. Not any demon, not just an archdemon like the Queen had told her about, but a demon beyond the pits of nightmares. Azrael clutched a hand to her chest as if she could reach for her tainted soul. A piece of him is in there. I’m truly damned.

  Azrael’s breath came in short gasps as she realized what the dark place in her dreams actually was. That deep cold that she wrapped around herself for protection from the Queen’s magic. It was where she communed with him. It was where she had accepted him. She had sought solace in this place, as far from the Light as she could get.

  Azrael’s skin crawled and her eyes shot up in sudden realization and fear. “It’s not over, Meretta. My Acceptance isn’t done. Without enough power, the demon could take me at any moment.” Azrael instinctually leaned back, trying to put distance between herself and her lifelong friend. “What if I hurt you?”

  Meretta waved her hands dismissively. “Nonsense. You’ve come this far.” Meretta grasped Azrael’s hand with both of hers before Azrael could flinch away. Meretta’s grip was firm and reassuring, as if by sheer will she would prevent any further misfortune finding her friend. “There’s no way I’m going anywhere.”

  Azrael’s heart warmed at her loyalty. But they both knew Azrael was a trap, taut and ready to spring its jaws closed. She didn’t want Meretta to be there when it did.

  With no time to waste, Azrael rose from the bed. As air rippled the thin, frilly gown draped over her body, she could tell she had lost considerable weight. Her knees buckled the instant she tried to stand and Meretta grabbed her with a deft embrace before she could fall.

  “What’re you doing?” Meretta chided. “You’re in no condition to go anywhere.” Meretta steadied Azrael by grasping her elbows and gently sat her back down. “I’ve been spoon feeding you, bathing you, and changing your clothes all this time. You can’t expect to pretend nothing’s happened.”

  Azrael blinked. “You did what?”

  Meretta scoffed. “I wasn’t going to let those incompetent servants lay a finger on you. They didn’t care if they dropped you or let you starve.” She frowned. But as she pulled away, Azrael noticed the new layers of muscles ripple across her forearms.

  She’s done everything for me, alone. I can’t believe it.

  “Meretta…”

  Meretta shook her head. “You would’ve done the same for me, no doubt about it.” She jumped to her feet. “Now, if you’re so determined to run about, that’s fine. But you will let me help you.”

  When Azrael nodded, Meretta grasped her forearm and pulled Azrael to her feet. Azrael leaned on Meretta heavily, never before feeling such weight of exhaustion. Meretta bore the burden with ease.

  Finally standing on her own two feet, more or less, Azrael sighed with relief. “Thank you.”

  In no time at all, Meretta had draped a warm, fluffy robe around Azrael’s shoulders and had her walking out of the room where two full seasons had passed her by. Instead of the brisk wind of fall, the hopeful breeze of spring trickled through the slitted windows. Birds chirped to announce they’d soon bring new offspring into the world, and servants went about their daily routines. But instead of pretending she didn’t exist, there were gasps of awe and Meretta had to chide a few who fell at their feet with reverence.

  Azrael’s lips curved into a wry smile when she realized where Meretta was leading her. They were heading to the gardens where Azrael had first learned of her fate. Regardless of past experiences, it was the most beautiful place on the grounds. Plus, it was outside and Azrael craved more than the tease of life from the tiny windows, desired to hear the birds’ songs and feel the wind through her hair. She couldn’t imagine anything more healing than that.

  When they arrived, Azrael was not disappointed. It was even sweeter air than the first breath Azrael had taken after waking from her nightmares. She swept her gaze over the familiar flowers, reveling as the scents of lavender and alyssum tinged her nose.

  But the blue-eyed angel she’d wanted to see was nowhere in sight. The garden was empty, except for a cautious rabbit that watched the intruders intensely from underneath a thin bushel of leaves. The jeweled water fountain surged with familiar energy toward the lazy clouds. The flowers bloomed, and Azrael yearned with them as they stretched toward the sun.

  Meretta lowered Azrael to a bench. Azrael hugged the robe around her shoulders with contentment. “I’ll be right back, okay?” Meretta said.

  Azrael nodded and Meretta jogged back into the Manor. Azrael took the moment to enjoy the surrounding sounds, sights, and smells. She was simply happy to be alive, and sane.

  Even with the healing peace of the gardens, Azrael shivered when her thoughts drifted to her nightmares. I have the Mark. I can’t believe it. Why couldn’t I have been one of the lucky ones and not even realized I had it at all? Azrael scoffed at herself. When was she ever lucky? No, it took something traumatic to bring out the nature of the Mark. She cringed as she remembered the Acceptance sessions. No doubt that had qualified as a traumatic trigger.

  Azrael emptied her mind and listened to the howl of the wind. Meretta was right; winter had passed. Spring was here. The retreating cold nip of the air was pleasant and she stared into the gushing fountain. Azrael let herself relax, thinking
of nothing for a long while.

  The garden’s massive oak door to the Manor creaked open, revealing Meretta and the majestic angel. Gabriel’s eyes were so glassy, Azrael thought they sparkled until she realized they were full of tears.

  Speechless, she stared as he glided to her side. “Azrael,” he whispered. She’d never heard him say her name like that.

  “I’m okay,” Azrael offered.

  Gabriel huffed a laugh and didn’t ask permission as he wrapped his arms around her bony shoulders. Shock turned to electrified butterflies flitting in her chest. Gabriel was hugging her, crying, and muttering something in her ear.

  She realized what he was saying. He was apologizing.

  Then her magic lit up without any effort at all. A deep flame ignited somewhere beyond her flesh, from her very soul using her Acceptance as a conduit. The magic engulfed her and she could feel Gabriel’s emotions raging through their clothes, searing across her skin where his touched hers, and it was amazing. She gasped and clutched his robes, unable to resist bringing him closer.

  He felt guilt, so much guilt. The sadness of it choked the very breath from her lungs. But she could relate to his guilt. She felt the same. She’d put everyone in danger, put herself in this position.

  But what surprised Azrael was what was underneath the guilt, the emotion fueling it with such ferocity. Guilt, not just for putting her in danger, but for growing to love her. Seeing her sleeping face every day, peering through the doorway so no one could see he was watching, willing her to wake up. And when he couldn’t be with her, he was in Celestia, begging any angel to protect the future Queen.

  He loved her and Azrael couldn’t understand why.

  “Gabriel?” It was Meretta who broke the silence. Her voice was sharp with fear and Gabriel instantly pulled away. His wings had been wrapped around them like a blanket and a cold breeze shocked her as it crept in. She blinked, but the world seemed too bright, emotions too raw. Meretta’s fear drifted in the air like steam, rising until it disappeared into the clouds.

  “Azrael, can you hear me?” Gabriel’s voice was patient and soft. It didn’t hold any of the fear she was bracing for, just reverence. He had full confidence that if she could survive her nightmares, she could survive her own magic.

  “What’s happening?” she asked. The world dimmed just a shade but she felt like she was floating, ethereal and only tied to her flesh by a tether.

  “Get the Queen,” Gabriel commanded Meretta.

  Meretta jerked her head with a nod and disappeared into the Manor. The world spun and Azrael couldn’t focus anymore. The flowers blurred together and the birds’ songs intermingled with the song of the Light. Transient and beautiful, she was enraptured and almost followed it out of her body.

  Then a flash of blue grounded her, trapped her in a familiar iron web. “Stay with me,” Gabriel said. She locked onto his gaze and didn’t blink. Blue. Love. Faith. This was where she belonged.

  By the time she had come out of the Light-induced trance, she was met by an audience of concerned stares. Mita, who looked more curious than fearful, the Hallowed, Meretta, and the Queen. Except, the Queen was staring blankly beyond to someplace Azrael couldn’t see with strain creasing her brow.

  Azrael focused on the Queen’s eyes, wondering why they seemed so milky and grey. With a gasp, she realized the Queen had gone blind.

  “She’s back,” the Queen said with relief.

  Everyone’s shoulders relaxed and Mita clapped her hands together as if Azrael had performed a trick. “See?” Mita said. “You guys worry too much. She’s fine.”

  Azrael pushed off the seat, momentarily staggering and leaned on Gabriel’s steady arm. “Majesty,” she said breathlessly. “What happened?”

  A smile that didn’t quite reach the Queen’s eyes curved the edges of her mouth. “It seems my skill with the Light is not as strong as yours, my dear. But it’s enough to keep you with us for now.”

  Azrael swallowed and a fresh wave a guilt threatened to overwhelm her. “I did this to you?”

  The Queen waved a hand dismissively. “My physical blindness is only temporary, I assure you. When your Acceptance is complete, you’ll have the strength to ground yourself. Until then, you are my responsibility.”

  Azrael found Gabriel’s gaze once again. His love had turned to sympathy and she didn’t have to ask her question. She waited for him to answer.

  “You’ve been fighting for dominion over your soul,” he explained gently. “The demon took ahold of you for a period of time, animating your body. Only the Queen could—” he stopped and Azrael realized it was because she’d begun to cry.

  She crumpled into his arms, unashamed as the sobs came, even in front of everyone. She could still feel their emotions, their pity and their fear. This was how they knew she had the Mark. They’d seen her, snarling and mad with evil-lust. They’d never believed she would wake, and even Meretta’s hope had thinned to a fine thread that could have broken at any moment. Only Gabriel was solid and serene, and she buried herself into his chest, trying to crawl inside the bubble of protection.

  “I think everyone should leave,” Gabriel offered.

  When the audience began to comply, Azrael peeled herself away from his chest. “Meretta,” she whispered meekly.

  And so Meretta stayed while everyone hunched their shoulders and crept out of the gardens.

  “Their emotions, it’s so raw,” Azrael tried to explain.

  Gabriel smiled and his thumb grazed her cheek. She thought for a terrifying moment that he was going to kiss her as he leaned in, but then she realized he was looking at her eyes with more fascination than romance.

  “You’re using the Light, even now,” he said as he pulled away. “You’ll be the strongest Queen this world has ever seen.

  Azrael blinked, both proud and terrified. “How do I stop?”

  To her surprise, Gabriel huffed a laugh filled with delight. “I haven’t the faintest clue. I’ve never had to tell anyone how to not use the royal magic.”

  As she wrapped her fingers protectively around her elbows, Meretta’s warm hand found her shoulder. “Azrael,” she said. “You’re doing great.”

  Azrael could sense the fear lying underneath her words like cockroaches, but she smiled anyway. “Thank you.”

  When Gabriel had left, Azrael spotted a downy feather stuck between shards of grass. She bent to pick it up.

  “What’re you doing?” Meretta asked.

  “It looks like the stress is making him molt.” It was all Azrael offered as a response. It wasn’t as if he could reattach the feathers, but she wanted to keep them anyway. There was a trail leading to the Manor and she absently picked them up and gathered them in the folds of her robe.

  Meretta followed in silence and her emotions bubbled, a rainbow of fear and hope. She loved Azrael like a sister, she didn’t need her magic to feel that. But to feel what was underneath hurt more than Azrael cared to admit. Meretta was her best friend, but she was also a Windborn whose soul had accepted evil at birth. In her heart, she’d always be flawed, but that was okay. Azrael didn’t fancy herself perfect either, Mark and all.

  A whisper of voices jolted Azrael from her mindless chore of gathering feathers and she instinctually grabbed onto Meretta’s hand. The two eased to the wall and the pile of feathers drifted to the ground as they listened.

  “This is completely out of hand!” the Queen’s unmistakable voice echoed through the halls. “We need to get the Council to talk to their experts and find us the answers we need. Not the fanatics you call allies.”

  Meretta’s hands rested on Azrael’s shoulder as she crept closer to the corner, straining to hear.

  “I’ve told you, Majesty, the Council has been very clear that this is the Manor’s problem.”

  The Queen growled with agitation, which was followed by a flutter of feathers.

  “The Divine agreed to her name for the Acceptance. They know what they’re doing. Does your kind have no fai
th at all in their creators? Is there no one left? I can’t keep doing this, Gabriel. I’m going to lose her to the Light, and what then?”

  There was another ruffle of feathers. “Celestia has disconnected itself from the Divine in many ways. But unlike them, I have faith she’ll survive,” Gabriel said, and Azrael knew it to be true. There had been nothing but unshakable faith and love in his azure eyes.

  Azrael stiffened at the silence that followed. She looked to Meretta, but Meretta only shrugged. Both girls started when Gabriel spoke again.

  “Hallowed? You said her body seems to have been continually trying to utilize the Divine Material, correct?”

  A familiar grunt sounded from the Hallowed. She assumed the reaction was supposed to mean “yes.” Azrael leaned closer to the sweltering wall, ignoring the sweat that gathered on her skin.

  “This has never been recorded in history,” Gabriel said, his voice steadied with authority. “This goes beyond our apprehension that she has the Mark. She has a truce with the Light. Just as she has a truce with the Dark. Her celestial ease with both worlds is extraordinary, but it leaves her vulnerable. She would only need to lower her guard for a single moment for one or the other to gain control. She needs our guidance. I beg of you, consider allowing me to more thoroughly train her before resuming her Acceptance. There’s so much she can learn, and it’ll give her a better chance at survival.”

  The Queen sighed. “Have you not noticed I’ve gone blind just to keep up with the girl? I love her like a daughter, but I have never had to push myself this far. I’ll do whatever I can to help her survive, but if you train her in the ways of the royal magic, she’ll be far beyond my help. She’ll be uncontrollable, and someone like you should realize the danger unchecked power can do.”

  Mita cleared her throat. “I agree. The Queen can barely handle Azrael as it is, forgive my bluntness, Majesty. But making her stronger could push her out of the Queen’s capabilities. Imagine the damage she could do when she dreams. We must not let her learn anything more of her abilities before her Acceptance is completed. It’s too dangerous.”